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Archive for May, 2009

Gay Pride in Moscow

Gay singer ‘Gordon’ of the Dutch group ‘Toppers” who are preforming in the 2nd Semi Final of the Eurovision Song Festival tonight will NOT preform in the final if the Russian Police attacks the Gay Parade. He will even participate in the parade if they do not qualify for the final. It’s not the greatest song I’ve ever heard, but he gets my vote tonight.

Eurojokes

An Englishman, Frenchman, German, Belgian, Italian and Spaniard walk into a pub… and the landlord says “Is this some kind of joke?”

England shouldn’t go on saying that we are ‘giving’ our Sovereignty away; they are actually paying Brussels tens of billions of pounds a year to take it.

In heaven, the police are British,
The cooks are French,
The engineers are German
The administrators are Swiss
And the lovers Italian.

In hell, the police are German
The cooks are British
The engineers are Italian
The administrators are French
And the lovers Swiss.

In heaven the party is organised by the Greeks

In hell, the government (or business or anything non-entertaining) is organised by the Greeks.

A Belgian family wants to take their car with them on holiday in England, but their little girl is prone to seasickness, so they decide to make the shortest possible crossing, from Calais.

So they all pile into the car, and they drive, and they drive and they drive until eventually they see a sign saying “Pas de Calais”. So they shrug their shoulders in despair and go home.

Two wealthy businessmans, one from West Europe, the other from East Europe are discussing about how they made their fortunes based on EU funds. The Western takes him to Germany and says: “See this highway? It was funded by EU with 10 milion euros, but the real costs were only 5 milion euros! I let you figure the details.” The Eastern takes him to Romania and says: “See this highway?” “I see no highway!” replies the West-European. “It was funded by EU with 5 milion!” the Eastern replies.

A joint anglo-french-romanian military exercise is taking place. The English commander throws his high-tech watch in a pool full of sharks and orders a soldier to go get it. This one goes and is eaten by sharks. The French commander throws his swiss “montre” and orders Jean-Pierre to go get it, but this one too is killed by the sharks. The Romanian commander, looks with rememberance at his old watch, checks his pocket and finds a small penny, throws it in the pool and asks Ion to go get it. Ion dives, fights with the sharks and brings back the coin, but his commander is displeased: Go get me the watches boy!

You tell a Brit a joke, he laughs twice, once when you him the joke and then when you explain it to him. You tell the same joke to an Italian, he laughs once; he doesn’t get it first but he laughs hard once it’s explained to him. The typical very polite German only laughs once, when you tell the joke, but then you can explain it to him 10 times, he still doesn’t get it.

To be truly European is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and listen to an Italian opera on a Dutch CD player!

A visitor taking a tour of EU headquarters noticed a line painted down the middle of the corridor. “What’s that for?” He asked the guide. “Oh, that’s to keep the staff coming in late from colliding with the ones who are leaving early.”

A prize was to be awarded for the first person to discover a horse with black and white stripes like a zebra. A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Spaniard participated hoping to win the prize of 1,000,000 euros. The German decided to spend weeks in the National library researching into horses with black and white stripes. The Englishman went straight to a shop in Piccadilly which specialises in hunting gear, bought all the equipment necessary and set off for Africa in his quest for this strange creature. The Frenchman bought himself a horse and painted it black and white . The Spaniard went to the best restaurant he knew in Madrid, ordered an expensive meal for himself with a fine bottle of wine; after the meal he ordered an expensive Havana cigar and a Napoleon brandy, sat in a luxurious arm-chair in the hotel and began to consider what he would do with the 1,000,000 euros once he had found this remarkable horse with black and whte stripes.

An Italian, an Englishman and a Frenchman are travelling around in a plane. Suddenly the Englishman stands up, sticks his arm out of the porthole and declares, “We’re flying over London!”. The other two, dazzled, ask him, “But how can you tell?.” “I can see the Big Ben!” is the Englishman’s reply. After a while, the Frenchman suddenly stands up, sticks his hand arm out of the window and says, “We’re flying over Paris!”. The others, amazed, ask him, “How possibly can you know?” “Look, there is the Eiffel Tower!” claims he. Finally the Italian stands up, sticks his hand up and declares, “We’re flying over Naples!”. The other two, amazed reply, “But how can you tell?” and the Italian, retrieving his arm, “Look, they just stole my watch!”

You are what you eat. 

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their wives duties. Terry had married a woman from France and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmy married a woman from England. He ragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He told them that the first day he did not see any results, but the next day was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third, the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

More an Anglo/French joke: An Englishman, Irishman and Frenchman find an old lamp and free the genie. So the genie grants each of them a wish. The Irishman says that his country is beautiful, green and lush. His wish is that it will always be so. The Frenchman says his country is suffering from foreign influence and wishes for a wall to keep everthing and everyone out. The Englishman considers this and asks the genie: ‘tell me more about this wall’. It’s a high wall replies the genie. It surrounds France, nothing can get in or out. Then, says the Englishman, ‘fill it with water’.

Ok, another toaster. It’s a Czech Eurojoke but easily translatable if you change the names and the denominations. Parobek, Topolanek and Vaclav Klaus are in a small plane flying over the beautiful Czech Lands. Topolanek looks out the window and says,”Hmmm…if I dropped a 1000 Euro not out the window now, I’d make one Czech really happy.” Then Vaclav Klaus says, “Ha! If I dropped ten 1000 Crown notes out the window now I’d make ten Czechs really happy.” Then Parobek says,”Well, if I dropped one hundred 100 Crown notes out the window I’d make a hundred Czechs really happy.” The pilot is listening to this and thinks, “Hmmm…if I drop these three guys out the window right now I’ll make 10.5 million Czechs REALLY happy.” 

 “How many people work at the European Commission? About a fourth of them.”

There was a cruise ship full of english, french, germans and italians, sinking in the middle of the med, the captain had radioed for help and been told that if the passengers jumped into the sea then they could be picked up. Now, being sort of busy trying to salvage what he could of the ship, he sent his young second in command off to give the passengers their instructions. 5 minutes later he came back looking disappointed. “What’s wrong?” the captain asked? “They all refuse to just jump into the sea like that, they won’t listen to me”, replied his second in command. So, looking frustrated, the the captain went off to do it himself. He too came back 5 minutes later, however he, unlike his second, returned a smug grin! “How did you do that?” demanded the second “Well…” started the captain”…I told the British it was traditional, I told the French it was fashionable, I told the Germans it was an order and I told the Italians it was forbidden!”

Good news – the EU is to have a common language Bad news – its Estonian

How the EU works: In Germany, they make the rules, in Britain, they obey the rules, in France, they bend the rules, in Spain, they break the fules and in Italy they have no rules at all.

The EU has decided that it is no longer correct to ” spend a penny” – the new expression is to “Euronate”

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and give it to someone else. COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk. FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which you cannot afford to keep because of milk imported from a member state with cheaper labour. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough to carry on working them. You then sell your milk at the original high price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at the price that drove you to subsidies to make Europe competitive.

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.